50 Things I've Always Wanted to Say About El Paso (area)

The Mighty Eastside is the best part of El Paso to live in. That's probably why its the major population center. I know its not the hipster part of town or the hoity-toity Kern Place or the all-powerful Westside, but it really is best part of town to live in.

The Valley is better than the Westside. The people are just nicer and more down to earth. Am I making a generalization? Yes. In general I like people from the valley much more from the Westside.

I think the media and policy makers are too centric on the Westside. I don't see whats so great about it anyway. Its not as cool as the eastside and there's not as much fun things to do as in the valley. Whatever the Westside has in terms of retail, there are probably two or three of them on the Eastside. And they are probably more conveniently located anyway.

Its pronounced Chel-see, not Chel-suh. I'm not gonna call it Chel-suh because I need to sound more El Paso for you just because someone mispronounced it somewhere along the road and their friends were too lazy to correct them. I however frequently say Airways instead of Airway.

Hipsters who hang out on Mesa annoy me. I want to take their look-at-me-I-don't-care-about-anything-in-the-world-so-I-have-sloppy-hair-that-takes-me-an-hour-to-get-it-to-look-like-I-don't-care hair do's and comb them. I also want to tell them that skinny jeans on a vato are just wrong. They look ridiculous. Even more so when they try to sag them. Women should be the only ones wearing skinny jeans. And God bless them for doing so.

Botas picudas look ridiculous. Almost as bad as skinny jeans. And so do those hats folded like a taco. However I'm perfectly okay with loud shirts. Even ones with blinged up images of the Virgen de Guadalupe on them.

I still like Tres Flores. Don't judge me. I am a product of my environment.

Mike Price is and always was, over-rated.

I secretly love the El Paso Libertarians.

I secretly hate the El Paso Libertarians.

The El Paso Democratic Party sucks. Has for years. I don't see it getting any better. And Republicans should stop calling it a “machine”. It isn't. If it was, its a busted down, broke-ass, rusted piece of crap nobody wants. American Restoration couldn't fix it.

I think the Tap is over-rated. Its a dive bar that white people and hipsters go to, which means its not classically cool. Its as “cool” as a Chia pet and “blue blockers”.

I wish that parachute pants would make a come back.

I hope that Alejandro Lozano never leaves El Paso politics. His entertainment value can never be replaced.

I wish the baseball team had a name better than the El Paso Padres.

Fresas annoy me. When the anti-Christ comes, it will be in the form of a hipster Fresa.

The Dallas Cowboys suck.

So does UTEP football. But unlike the Cowboys, I actually hope it gets better.

The Sun Bowl Parade is awesome and I, like thousands of other people, like to drink booze while I watch the parade. And football games, so score one for UTEP this year. I was getting tired of smuggling in the booze (like everyone else).

I think the plazita should be preserved forever. I think Cohen stadium should be blown up.

Village Inn menudo comes from a can.

I love menudo, even if it comes from a can.

I think it sucks that we don't have an aquarium and Albuquerque does. I also think its sucks that their zoo is better than ours.

People that think El Paso should be part of New Mexico are stupid.

Photogs are usually much cooler to hang out with than TV reporters because they are from El Paso and the reporters usually aren't. Although the reporters are much hotter. I'm looking at you Viri and Brenda. (sorry Oscar from KINT).

I hate blogs about cats and vegetables.

Chicos Tacos after last call is still the bomb. But you already know that.

The sign ordinance forbidding electronic billboards in El Paso is stupid. I like the electronic ones better. And they don't get tagged.

Media has a bias because reporters are human beings. Act accordingly.

The El Paso Republican Party is a bigger joke than the El Paso Democratic Party.

I want to win the lottery and become the next Woody Hunt. There I said it. I want to fund candidates of my choosing and opponents of candidates I can't stand and then make it rain like a vato on a lap-dance binge at Foxy's celebrating a divorce.

I love restaurants on Alameda. I hate the bowls they serve menudo in. Serve me in a real bowl damn it.

Round-abouts are stupid and annoying.

I know I'm not supposed to, but I dig shooting off fire works on Montana on the 4^th of July. But I always clean up after myself. True story.

I don't care for most clubs downtown. If I want to drink with kids, I'll go to a baby shower in Anthony.

Ranch Markets are better than Albertson's. It will remain that way until Albertsons starts selling horchata, limonada, or agua de melon.

I go to the Bronco on the regular and I like it. I'm not ashamed.

McKelligan Canyon needs cell phone towers.

The bathrooms at the County Courthouse look like a truck stop. For Pete's sake people, take care of your stuff. Thats why we can't have nice things.

How the hell could I lose to blogs about cats and vegetables? Seriously, what the hell?

Nothing says classy like metal detectors at a hospital emergency room.

ABC 7 Xtra should be an hour long.

El Paso history is more than just about white cowboys. But for some reason you'd think that was the only thing that every happened here. And you'd think that there were no brown people in a border city.

People who don't vote regularly shouldn't complain about people that vote straight ticket regularly. Vote regularly before you start pointing the finger.

People that threaten recall don't realize how empty their threat is. I find that entertaining.

During a dust storm there is no way to tell the difference between Fabens and Tatooine, unless you can see through the dust storm enough to see the sun. Fabens is the one with only one sun.

Truck nuts. El Paso, for the love of God, please stop buying these things. Nothing screams compensation for low testosterone and a small penis like a big shiny set of truck nuts.

The people that market El Paso to the rest of the country suck. There's no reason San Antonio should own the idea of being the gateway to Mexico. They aren't. They are the gateway to South Texas.   

VIVA EL PASO! (By the way, I'm not leaving El Paso. I don't know how that rumor got started but its not true.)